How I Learned to Fake It for Holiday's

                                                   
    By now most of you know my family is fucked up. Not just your every day, "That happened to me too" fucked up, but the "That never happened to you" fucked up. It's that bad, & has always been, I just learned to fake it. My parents divorce was probably one of the most wonderful things they did for us when we were little, hands down! I am grateful for it every day, honestly, because I cannot imagine having them in the same home. Ever.
    So I have become a master bullshitter during all occasions that require family gatherings. I have had to go to weddings, birthdays, & all manner of holiday get together time, knowing two things. One, everyone there wishes I weren't so they could talk about me. And, two, everyone there hates one of my parents. In fairness, they aren't my favorite people, but I do not let anyone outside of my home speak ill of my mom. Yes, she has serious issues, & is a GIANT bitch, but she raised me, & sacrificed for me, so I hold exclusive rights on talking shit about her. And I do not give ammunition to others who have no good reason to be around her at all. My father is a whole different ballgame.
   My father is not an only child, so he had built in defenders growing up, & to this day. My father who I did indeed have several fist fights with from the age of 13 to 23. People witnessed this (more than once), but will look me in my eyes, & call me a liar over it. I'm OK with that, but Chewie rarely got spanked when he was little, do you wonder why? So Father's Day is kind of a fake holiday where my celebrating it is concerned. However, HNIC is a great Dad, so we do celebrate it here in Casa de Crazy.
   My stomach hurts on every major holiday, as if I could puke at any moment. But I never do (that's another post I'm sure will come), but I love my Xanax (thanks Doc) because without it I wouldn't survive 5 minutes. Not only do I have to go smile, hug, & nod in the proper places with my Dad, but also with my "pretend" sister, & "missing" brother (who is a Dad now as well). And none of us like the other, but we'll all go fake it. It's what we do, what we've always done.
  One day, I will be far enough away that we can use distance as our reason not to show.. Or (please God not anytime soon) my paternal grandparents will be gone, & everyone can stop faking it for their sake, but they already know. When their time comes, some family members may finally come out, some will tell others how they really feel, & my stomach won't be auditioning for the  flying trapeze circus act any more.

Am I crazy?

Wow, if I could remember this quote I would not wind up in the place I always find myself. Let's see... I got into fist fights with my father, regularly. My son's biodad, & I had the world's most disfunctional relationship ever, & now my husband hates me.
Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic.. My MIL hates me, & encourages him to act like an asshole. If my feelings get hurt, I'm greedy, & selfish. If my house isn't spotless, I do nothing.  I feel like I'm on the most frightening roller coaster ever, & can't get off, without ruining everyone else's ride.
My son's dad is my husband, his bio-dad was never healthy enough to be a dad. But how I love my son. So much so, that I would suffer the rest of my life for his heart to never break again. I lived my life from 13 until 23 trying to fix shit for my mother, & it's still broken. I will not let my little man carry this responsibility, it isn't fair to any child. But I don't know yet how to make sure he doesn't carry this burden on himself.
But, I am tired. I am tired of wondering wh0 my husband will be when I wake up in the morning. I am tired of having to protect myself from pain. I am tired of being let down, & left out.
Maybe I am crazy.
~ HBIC