Wow, if I could remember this quote I would not wind up in the place I always find myself. Let's see... I got into fist fights with my father, regularly. My son's biodad, & I had the world's most disfunctional relationship ever, & now my husband hates me.
Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic.. My MIL hates me, & encourages him to act like an asshole. If my feelings get hurt, I'm greedy, & selfish. If my house isn't spotless, I do nothing. I feel like I'm on the most frightening roller coaster ever, & can't get off, without ruining everyone else's ride.
My son's dad is my husband, his bio-dad was never healthy enough to be a dad. But how I love my son. So much so, that I would suffer the rest of my life for his heart to never break again. I lived my life from 13 until 23 trying to fix shit for my mother, & it's still broken. I will not let my little man carry this responsibility, it isn't fair to any child. But I don't know yet how to make sure he doesn't carry this burden on himself.
But, I am tired. I am tired of wondering wh0 my husband will be when I wake up in the morning. I am tired of having to protect myself from pain. I am tired of being let down, & left out.
Maybe I am crazy.
~ HBIC
Nope! Not crazy! I lived my life trying to please my mother while she manipulated me to hate my father and fear the burden she may put on my son. I totally get the mom stuff!
ReplyDeleteI am so with you...I like the old Romans scripture a=bout heaping kinds instead of revenge is like heaping burning coals on their heads...a lot less painful. But man mama when we get mad. Or torn.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is heavy today but light as well. weird, I am letting go and grieving the me I am letting go...the ills of my past and looking to the future to the new me...to my new beginning with hope but sometimes when we let go of the past people go with them...its hard